Tonight’s the night. Tonight’s the night. Tonight’s the NIGHT!!! After weeks invested, I’m pretty sure I’m getting laid tonight. She’s the kind of girl that was so hot, I’d never thought she’d like a geek like me. Still, I’d been wining and dining this girl for some time now. She wanted to take things slow as she had just gotten out of a long term relationship. That’s cool, I can understand that. I’m sensitive and compassionate like that, yo. However, I think she was impressed by my awesome cooking skills. I can make a serious fettuccini. Plus, I hadn’t even cooked my specialty yet, Soyaki Pork Chops with a yakisoba side.
“Hey! Is it cool if I still if I come over?” she asked.
“Yeah…you should totally CUM over,” I answered smoothly.
“What was that? Why do you sound so weird? Are you sick?”
“Oh, uh” I responded clearing my throat, “no…nothing….anyway you should totally swing by,”
“Cool, I just need to swing by the store to pick up some…safety items,” she giggled.
PROTECTION!?! Yes! I am TOTALLY getting laid tonight. We got off the phone and I prepared my room for its inevitable transformation into The Love Cove. Old boxers thrown in the closet? Check. Porn mags pushed far enough under the bed to not be noticed? Check. Dumbbells pseudo-haphazardly left in a prominent position in the room? Check. Okay. Ready, go!
She arrives. I let her in. Making out begins. There is groping. There is moaning. There is a Wal-Greens bag on my nightstand she has brought over. As things reach the point of no return, she reaches into the bag and pulls out a small box.
“Here put this on,” she demands.
I fumble around like Helen Keller before finally giving in and turning on a light.
Whoa! “What is this?” I question.
“What do you mean?” she inquires back.
“These are Magnums,” I exasperate.
“Oh! Is this one of your “anti-consumer” things? Do you not use them because they’re not made in America or something?”
“Uh…..no, that’s not generally why I don’t use them…”
“Well, I’m sorry,” she apologized “I’m not used to buying condoms, I don’t know much about them. I just bought the ones my EX used to always buy, so I trust the brand” she explained.
“Oh? These are the kind your ex used, huh? That’s cool…” I diverted, “uh, I’m kinda hungry…how do Pork Chops sound about now?”