JanuBerry With Jana Banana...What I Learned

January is coming to a close and I realize I've posted a ridiculous amount of blogs this month. I don't think I can go on like this forever. You'll wind up reading about something totally boring like my favorite candy, um wait a second....

I learned that blogging is all about content and to write about what you know about. Sadly for Jana Nye that consists of smoking cessation, drinking too much and other random nonsense. I stopped worrying about traffic and comments and found out I have a lot more readers than I thought. So if you are here, reading this please drop me a comment and let me know if there are any posts you liked in particular or any you didn't. Is anyone reading this??? Hello?? Fuck my life.

Life Sans Cigarettes

What is your quality of life if you have to say no to gummy bears? I love gummy bears!! But I can't eat them because I'm trying not to gain weight. I'm trying not to gain weight because I quit smoking. Its been a crazy 20 days of no cigarettes for me. I'm sad to report that I spent the first two weeks of non smoking distracting myself with food to avoid smoking. I ate pizza, wings, tacos, more pizza and lots and lots of candy. I was using the 'by any means necessary' method. Um yeah, I've gained weight. It wasn't until I hopped on the scale and was a few pounds above my 'scary weight'that I realized how out of control this has gotten. My pants dance, the hopping around I do every morning when trying to get my jeans on is really becoming dangerous. Sometimes I just want to take up smoking again.

There is a part of me (that is somewhat irrational) that believes that I should be allowed to have my cake and eat it too. I want to thoroughly use up my body before I die. I want to smoke, drink and eat gummy bears and dance around while doing it. I wish I had the same self discipline I do for quitting smoking when it came to weight loss and dieting. I really find eating salads for dinner night after night depressing and dreadful. And its especially hard to not eat like shit when The Chapstick Lez is eating strawberry shortcake, five peanut butter sandwiches (hold the jelly), sugar cookies and popcorn for lunch. She keeps asking me if I want some and I want to punch her becuase I'm over here eating carrots.

Sometimes, I have a lot of respect for anorexics. They have so much determination.

Jana + 3 Cosmopolitans = Sloppy Abusive Jackass

I decided last night at three a.m. drunk and sobbing for no apparent reason that maybe martinis aren't all the fun I thought they were. A few weeks ago I went out and had one martini, and had a blast with my cousin. I was convinced it was the path to a good time and the best way to jump start your night. I should have left the martinis in the past.

I'm not clear what went wrong. Actually I think it was a combination of my hormone levels mixed with all the alcohol. I verbally assaulted someone I have respect for. I told my boyfriend to fuck off. I'm not sure if I did these things before or after I was fist pumping on the dance floor with Michelle. I even turned down a copy of the new Sherlock Holmes stating "I heard that movie sucks". That's not even true...everyone I talked to said its really good.

After going through the 85 or so photos on my camera I was able to piece the night together, kind of. I don't think I totally blacked out but that depends on what your definition of blacking out is. I had no recollection of some conversations I had until the person reminded me after sobering up. Then I kind of recalled...Does this mean I blacked out?? Is there a black out curve? Does ones definition of blacking out change based on how much they themselves want to black out? Do people strive to do this? Wtf?

I reached new heights of embarrassment when I had to call those I offended to make amends. There is no room for pride in these phone calls. People generally understand but that doesn't take back that below the belt comment and I'm sure they will forever maintain that I think, they think, they are better than everyone. *head desk*

In the photo shown at the top of the post I look really serious and pissed off. I was intoxicated and really concentrating on not spilling my drink. WHY DO THEY SERVE MARTINIS IN THESE GLASSES? The bartender wised up and served me my last drink in a red wine glass to reduce spillage. Bless his heart. When it was time to close my tab I was reduced to using my fingers to do the math for the tip. I'm still not sure if I counted right.

LoLz at getting wasted and making an ass of yourself. Next time I'll have a glass of water between each drink ;) Chow.

Tomorrow, For Real

I’ve been in the pre-diet stage for a few months now, it’s pretty tiring. A pre-diet is when you’re constantly declaring to your friends or significant other that you’re “starting a diet tomorrow, for real” right before tearing into a large pile of wings or pizza. Oh man, I’m so there. I’m trying to ignore it by blaming it on the season, and anytime I feel truly shitty I just make puppy-eyes at my boyfriend and ask him if he loves me, but I can’t go on like this forever. Pretty soon my ass will form its own zip code!

Blog Makeover

As you can see there have been some changes to my blog. I added some new features. I'd really like to know what people think. Please feel free to leave a commment and let me know what you think. Do you like the color? The simplicity? The labels? What should I change? Does anyone care? I'm thinking of having a guest blogger....Stay tuned for more stunning new developments.

Go Jana!

Its been ten days! Go me! I'm wondering if it is possible for time to move any slower. I have learned that quitting smoking is all about the psychological addiction for me not so much the physical dependence on nicotine. I am currently mourning the loss of cigarettes. I am somewhere between depression and bargaining in the grieving process. Please don't make fun of me. Cigarettes and I have been in a relationship for a long time. They were always there for me during stressful times, breakups, fights, drunken nights, and somehow during impoverished times in Las Vegas. I caught myself bargaining on Saturday night while drinking with friends. I almost convinced myself that it is OK to smoke when I drink. But luckily I was able to recognize that it was me bargaining and denied myself yet another cigarette. I really want to be a non smoker. I really hope I am able to stop for good. Heres hoping.

Nuff Said

I like Jay Leno but.....

Little House Big Woods

I can't remember exactly what started my obsession with Little House On The Prairie. Was it the chicken or the egg? The show or the books? I think it was the books that I got hooked on in the second grade and later the TV show. It was also my favorite game to play. I'd pretend to live in the olden days and use my imagination to ride in the wagon with Ma and Pa and Mary and live in a cabin. But looking back it probably would have sucked to live in the cabin, which was really a house made of sod and had a dirt floor.

I liked Laura naturally because she was always getting into trouble...like me. Mary was a brat who was obsessed with being right but she wound up going blind so you can't really hate on her. I don't remember much about the littlest one. I absolutely HATED Nellie Olson she was such a bitch with her weird curls in her hair. I thought she looked like a little boy wearing a wig. She was such a manipulator and a general rival of the Ingalls clan so I couldn't stand her. This is a classic photo of her at right. She probably just stole the girls shoes while they were down and the swimmin' hole and threw them in the garbage behind the pharmacy her parents owned. Like I said...bitch.

I remember once I was home from school sick and watched an episode that was 'to be continued'. I think Laura got kidnapped and it was so suspenseful that I had to fake sick the next day just so I could watch what happened. When the dreaded 'to be continued...' appeared on the screen I immediately started plotting my continued 'illness'. I stayed in bed all night and my mom never even tried to wake me up the next day. She just let me sleep in. I popped myself some popcorn fifteen minutes before showtime, got a blanket and plopped down on the couch for the final episode. It.was.awesome.

I think Nellie went on to become a stand up comic which makes me feel a little bit better about her. Laura went on to star in a number of Lifetime movies. I have no idea what ever became of Ma or Mary. I think Pa passed away. I loved how he called Laura Half Pint and he was kinda hot when the show aired...weirdzies. So yeah there was nothing cooler than Little House in the second grade. I even had a prairie girl outfit I acquired when I played a pioneer in a school play. I wore it while I read the books. *headdesk*

More On Smoking Cessation

Remember the movie Casper starring Christina Ricci as Kat and Bill Pullan as Dr. James Harvey? Yes, yes of course you do. Well Dr. James Harvey makes an excellent point in that movie about the dead needing closure or else they cannot crossover to the other side because they have unfinished business. Or something like that.

Last night while standing at the bar tapping my fingers, twitching my foot and feening for a cigarette, I had an epiphany. I thought of Casper and realized that my cigarettes and I have unfinished business. You see I quit smoking when I got a tip from the universe telling me to stop *grin*. So that last cigarette I smoked sometime between 5pm and 7pm on 01/04/2010 was my last, I never got to say goodbye.

Now the evil cigarettes are pissed of that I ditched them and are haunting me. I don't really think my ghost is friendly like Casper though. I feel like it is something more sinister like that of the shit-your-pants-with-fear demon in Paranormal Activity. And you know that shit didn't end well.

What to do? Hire and exorcist? Confront my ghost? Sick Charlie on it? Smoke a cigarette and have a proper goodbye. This is so confusing.

Pillow Talk

Cigarette: Hi Jana
Jana: Hi cigarette
Cigarette: I haven't seen you in a while.
Jana: I know I'm trying to quit.
Cigarette: I miss you Jana. Don't you miss me??
Jana: Yes cigarette, I miss you very, very much.
Cigarette: I miss our mornings ♥.
Jana: Me too. I don't know what to do after I sip my coffee.
Cigarette: I've been hanging out in stores and gas stations waiting for you.
Jana:I know cigarette. I've been avoiding you because you will eventually kill me.
Cigarette: Thats what they want you to think Jana.
Jana: What do you mean?
Cigarette: Think of how relaxed you feel when your lips are wrapped around me. You can always count on me and I'm reliable.
Jana: Now, now cigarette I don't appreciate your rouse.
Cigarette: My what?
Jana: Your rouse. Your cunning attempt to trick me.
Cigarette: Whatever bitch! I saw those Nicotine Lozenges weeks ago! You cheated!
Jana: Its really whats best cigarette please try to understand.
Cigarette: I'm not good enough right? I'm not worth the money right!?
Jana: Its me, not you.
Cigarette: Fuck you, I hope I blacken your lungs and stunk up your home and car with my ashtray like scents.
Jana: You did cigarette, but I forgive you.
Cigarette: I'm going to KILL YOU!
Jana: I know that's why I'm flushing you down this abyss. It won't hurt cigarette. *flush*
The End

Last Nights Photos, Regrets and French Fries

There is nothing more thrilling than when you are out with someone super fun (ahem, Michelle) and you have a camera, drinks and some fucking awesome music. You start to snap some photos. You may be on the dance floor of a club or at your corner bar when this happens. You may even by in the bathroom of a corner bar (ahem Hannons). You are thinking, these photos are gonna be on the Internet tomorrow and they're going to be awesome. I'm totally making one of these my default picture on Facebook/Myspace/Twitter.

Good Morning! Rise and shine! You are lying on the bathroom floor, your panties are in your hair and you want water, french fires and a cigarette, NOW but not in that order. You walk sluggishly to your computer and type go to whatever social network you see fit to see the damage. And there you are, you drunk mess you. Looking HOT and SEXY like every drink you are holding is your first. You breathe a sigh of relief and run in to the bathroom to puke. You'll update everything tomorrow. I love my fucking friends.

a world of pain dude

My dear circle of readers,

I think there are three of us now! ( me included). So we can kind of form a circle right?? Right guys?? Hello? Are you there??

Anyways, I recently made the decision to quit smoking. I have no idea how this is going to go or if I will even be successful. For a long time I was in denial about the harm that smoking was causing me and now that I'm 25 I'm starting to notice wheezing and coughing so its time to nip it in the bud. My two favorite cousins have recently quit for more than thirty days so that is encouraging.

My original quit date was February 15th 2010. But I quit suddenly last night when I when I had a moment of clarity and was convinced that the universe does not want me to smoke anymore. I have my reasons to quit, I have my plan to quit, and more importantly I have my nicotine replacement therapy now all I need is the will to actually do it. Fml.

So far I have discovered that removing all lighters and ashtrays is imperative. Today on my way to work it seemed like suddenly all the lighters I own were sitting somewhere in sight in my car. When I see a lighter...it reminds me of a cigarette, which reminds me that I'm not smoking at the moment, which makes me want to, which reminds me that I'm quitting followed by panic and irrational behavior.

I am also discovering that I'm really antsy when I'm not smoking. I find it hard to focus on a movie or my boyfriend and am constantly eating candy. I tried watching 500 Days of Summer last night, which is a movie that I've wanted to see for months. I was on the couch, then I moved to the chair, then I got up to get something to drink, then I checked my Facebook, then my email then back to the couch...you get the idea. I have sudden onset ADD.

I'm sure I will be discovering many more annoying side effects of my new non nicotine life. I feel bad for my co workers and but mostly for Jake. He will be the one stuck living with me and my crazy and bizarre mood swings. Poor guy. Another big, big, big challenge will be drinking. Drinking and smoking is like peas and carrots for me. I think I'll steer clear of the pubs for a while. Anyways who knows how this will go... You know how in AA they say to take it one day at a time. Well I'm taking it one hour at a time and am constantly referring to my list of reasons to quit to get me through. I hope this works. But I have no doubts I am well aware that I am entering a world of pain.