Face It... I'm Facebookless

I was thinking the other day how I never post here anymore. I considered deleting this entire blog because its rather time consuming to post and really this thing is not that user friendly and generally annoying if you want to upload more than one picture. I thought that I'd delete this and just use Facebook. Well fuck that, I deleted my Facebook randomly at two am Monday night. It's funny how much more focused I've become without my phone buzzing every two seconds with a notification. I'm so relieved and happy being disconnected.

I took off the last two days for no good reason. It occurred to me a few weeks ago that I just wanted a few days to lay around and do nothing. Its been great. I cleaned every inch of my apartment, I fixed my vacuum, went through old photos (throwing away some), I reorganized my closet, figured out how to hook up and actually use my printer and made my bed everyday for the past week.

I'm generally an organized person, my dishes are done everyday, my living room is always tidy but there is something super relaxing about my spotless apartment. I realized that after three months living here I'm so happy and thankfull that I live alone again and while this place isn't huge, its perfect for me. There is an alarming number of car accidents that happen on the street I live on. And being on the second floor I can always hear it happen, and watch as the two drivers argue loudly about whose fault it is... then I watch the paramedics wheel someone away, all from my insanely comfy leather chair with a cup of coffee in hand. Who needs cable when you live on a busy street?

So my Facebookless life has also allowed me to get a lot of homework done... even though I'm on Spring Break I started writing what seems to be an A paper on Forensic Nursing. I really could write about 25 pages but I think that will jut piss of my instructor more than help my grade so I'm trying to dumb it down a little.
Also, I've been thinking about my next tattoo. What I really want... I am afraid to get because I don't know of any particular artists that can tattoo life like portrait of a person and I've seen too many of them gone wrong. So, I'm thinking of adding onto my last one.

Besides deleting my Facebook, not going to school or work there really isn't a lot going on.... hmmm, going to the Talib show tomorrow night... should be fun.

Oh, I'm posting a picture of myself in my FAVORITE jacket. I took it out for the first time last weekend and got lots of compliments. This photo is me... kind of buzzed after a few drinks downtown... I think I look kinda like a thirsty vampire. Raaawwww. That's all for now! Chow.

www.jananeibauer.blogspot.com

Jana + 3 Cosmopolitans = Sloppy Abusive Jackass

I decided last night at three a.m. drunk and sobbing for no apparent reason that maybe martinis aren't all the fun I thought they were. A few weeks ago I went out and had one martini, and had a blast with my cousin. I was convinced it was the path to a good time and the best way to jump start your night. I should have left the martinis in the past.

I'm not clear what went wrong. Actually I think it was a combination of my hormone levels mixed with all the alcohol. I verbally assaulted someone I have respect for. I told my boyfriend to fuck off. I'm not sure if I did these things before or after I was fist pumping on the dance floor with Michelle. I even turned down a copy of the new Sherlock Holmes stating "I heard that movie sucks". That's not even true...everyone I talked to said its really good.

After going through the 85 or so photos on my camera I was able to piece the night together, kind of. I don't think I totally blacked out but that depends on what your definition of blacking out is. I had no recollection of some conversations I had until the person reminded me after sobering up. Then I kind of recalled...Does this mean I blacked out?? Is there a black out curve? Does ones definition of blacking out change based on how much they themselves want to black out? Do people strive to do this? Wtf?

I reached new heights of embarrassment when I had to call those I offended to make amends. There is no room for pride in these phone calls. People generally understand but that doesn't take back that below the belt comment and I'm sure they will forever maintain that I think, they think, they are better than everyone. *head desk*

In the photo shown at the top of the post I look really serious and pissed off. I was intoxicated and really concentrating on not spilling my drink. WHY DO THEY SERVE MARTINIS IN THESE GLASSES? The bartender wised up and served me my last drink in a red wine glass to reduce spillage. Bless his heart. When it was time to close my tab I was reduced to using my fingers to do the math for the tip. I'm still not sure if I counted right.

LoLz at getting wasted and making an ass of yourself. Next time I'll have a glass of water between each drink ;) Chow.

Go Jana!

Its been ten days! Go me! I'm wondering if it is possible for time to move any slower. I have learned that quitting smoking is all about the psychological addiction for me not so much the physical dependence on nicotine. I am currently mourning the loss of cigarettes. I am somewhere between depression and bargaining in the grieving process. Please don't make fun of me. Cigarettes and I have been in a relationship for a long time. They were always there for me during stressful times, breakups, fights, drunken nights, and somehow during impoverished times in Las Vegas. I caught myself bargaining on Saturday night while drinking with friends. I almost convinced myself that it is OK to smoke when I drink. But luckily I was able to recognize that it was me bargaining and denied myself yet another cigarette. I really want to be a non smoker. I really hope I am able to stop for good. Heres hoping.

More On Smoking Cessation

Remember the movie Casper starring Christina Ricci as Kat and Bill Pullan as Dr. James Harvey? Yes, yes of course you do. Well Dr. James Harvey makes an excellent point in that movie about the dead needing closure or else they cannot crossover to the other side because they have unfinished business. Or something like that.

Last night while standing at the bar tapping my fingers, twitching my foot and feening for a cigarette, I had an epiphany. I thought of Casper and realized that my cigarettes and I have unfinished business. You see I quit smoking when I got a tip from the universe telling me to stop *grin*. So that last cigarette I smoked sometime between 5pm and 7pm on 01/04/2010 was my last, I never got to say goodbye.

Now the evil cigarettes are pissed of that I ditched them and are haunting me. I don't really think my ghost is friendly like Casper though. I feel like it is something more sinister like that of the shit-your-pants-with-fear demon in Paranormal Activity. And you know that shit didn't end well.

What to do? Hire and exorcist? Confront my ghost? Sick Charlie on it? Smoke a cigarette and have a proper goodbye. This is so confusing.

Pillow Talk

Cigarette: Hi Jana
Jana: Hi cigarette
Cigarette: I haven't seen you in a while.
Jana: I know I'm trying to quit.
Cigarette: I miss you Jana. Don't you miss me??
Jana: Yes cigarette, I miss you very, very much.
Cigarette: I miss our mornings ♥.
Jana: Me too. I don't know what to do after I sip my coffee.
Cigarette: I've been hanging out in stores and gas stations waiting for you.
Jana:I know cigarette. I've been avoiding you because you will eventually kill me.
Cigarette: Thats what they want you to think Jana.
Jana: What do you mean?
Cigarette: Think of how relaxed you feel when your lips are wrapped around me. You can always count on me and I'm reliable.
Jana: Now, now cigarette I don't appreciate your rouse.
Cigarette: My what?
Jana: Your rouse. Your cunning attempt to trick me.
Cigarette: Whatever bitch! I saw those Nicotine Lozenges weeks ago! You cheated!
Jana: Its really whats best cigarette please try to understand.
Cigarette: I'm not good enough right? I'm not worth the money right!?
Jana: Its me, not you.
Cigarette: Fuck you, I hope I blacken your lungs and stunk up your home and car with my ashtray like scents.
Jana: You did cigarette, but I forgive you.
Cigarette: I'm going to KILL YOU!
Jana: I know that's why I'm flushing you down this abyss. It won't hurt cigarette. *flush*
The End

a world of pain dude

My dear circle of readers,

I think there are three of us now! ( me included). So we can kind of form a circle right?? Right guys?? Hello? Are you there??

Anyways, I recently made the decision to quit smoking. I have no idea how this is going to go or if I will even be successful. For a long time I was in denial about the harm that smoking was causing me and now that I'm 25 I'm starting to notice wheezing and coughing so its time to nip it in the bud. My two favorite cousins have recently quit for more than thirty days so that is encouraging.

My original quit date was February 15th 2010. But I quit suddenly last night when I when I had a moment of clarity and was convinced that the universe does not want me to smoke anymore. I have my reasons to quit, I have my plan to quit, and more importantly I have my nicotine replacement therapy now all I need is the will to actually do it. Fml.

So far I have discovered that removing all lighters and ashtrays is imperative. Today on my way to work it seemed like suddenly all the lighters I own were sitting somewhere in sight in my car. When I see a lighter...it reminds me of a cigarette, which reminds me that I'm not smoking at the moment, which makes me want to, which reminds me that I'm quitting followed by panic and irrational behavior.

I am also discovering that I'm really antsy when I'm not smoking. I find it hard to focus on a movie or my boyfriend and am constantly eating candy. I tried watching 500 Days of Summer last night, which is a movie that I've wanted to see for months. I was on the couch, then I moved to the chair, then I got up to get something to drink, then I checked my Facebook, then my email then back to the couch...you get the idea. I have sudden onset ADD.

I'm sure I will be discovering many more annoying side effects of my new non nicotine life. I feel bad for my co workers and but mostly for Jake. He will be the one stuck living with me and my crazy and bizarre mood swings. Poor guy. Another big, big, big challenge will be drinking. Drinking and smoking is like peas and carrots for me. I think I'll steer clear of the pubs for a while. Anyways who knows how this will go... You know how in AA they say to take it one day at a time. Well I'm taking it one hour at a time and am constantly referring to my list of reasons to quit to get me through. I hope this works. But I have no doubts I am well aware that I am entering a world of pain.