Randoms

New Pics

This is me pretending to talk to someone on my awesome rotary dial phone. I found it in my Grandma's closet a year ago and it makes an amazing retro decoration. You can't tell from the picutre but its light blue and totally adorable. It even has the original phone number typed on the center of the dial. Its a 212 area code which is old school New York so makes it extra cool.

Here I am in my living room after watching Black Swan one too many times.

www.jananeibauer.blogspot.com

Face It... I'm Facebookless

I was thinking the other day how I never post here anymore. I considered deleting this entire blog because its rather time consuming to post and really this thing is not that user friendly and generally annoying if you want to upload more than one picture. I thought that I'd delete this and just use Facebook. Well fuck that, I deleted my Facebook randomly at two am Monday night. It's funny how much more focused I've become without my phone buzzing every two seconds with a notification. I'm so relieved and happy being disconnected.

I took off the last two days for no good reason. It occurred to me a few weeks ago that I just wanted a few days to lay around and do nothing. Its been great. I cleaned every inch of my apartment, I fixed my vacuum, went through old photos (throwing away some), I reorganized my closet, figured out how to hook up and actually use my printer and made my bed everyday for the past week.

I'm generally an organized person, my dishes are done everyday, my living room is always tidy but there is something super relaxing about my spotless apartment. I realized that after three months living here I'm so happy and thankfull that I live alone again and while this place isn't huge, its perfect for me. There is an alarming number of car accidents that happen on the street I live on. And being on the second floor I can always hear it happen, and watch as the two drivers argue loudly about whose fault it is... then I watch the paramedics wheel someone away, all from my insanely comfy leather chair with a cup of coffee in hand. Who needs cable when you live on a busy street?

So my Facebookless life has also allowed me to get a lot of homework done... even though I'm on Spring Break I started writing what seems to be an A paper on Forensic Nursing. I really could write about 25 pages but I think that will jut piss of my instructor more than help my grade so I'm trying to dumb it down a little.
Also, I've been thinking about my next tattoo. What I really want... I am afraid to get because I don't know of any particular artists that can tattoo life like portrait of a person and I've seen too many of them gone wrong. So, I'm thinking of adding onto my last one.

Besides deleting my Facebook, not going to school or work there really isn't a lot going on.... hmmm, going to the Talib show tomorrow night... should be fun.

Oh, I'm posting a picture of myself in my FAVORITE jacket. I took it out for the first time last weekend and got lots of compliments. This photo is me... kind of buzzed after a few drinks downtown... I think I look kinda like a thirsty vampire. Raaawwww. That's all for now! Chow.

www.jananeibauer.blogspot.com

Random

I'm either a doormat or a bitch. Consistanty. I cannot find a happy medium.

Guest Blogger: Crasskins! Go Ahead, Make My Day

Tonight’s the night. Tonight’s the night. Tonight’s the NIGHT!!! After weeks invested, I’m pretty sure I’m getting laid tonight. She’s the kind of girl that was so hot, I’d never thought she’d like a geek like me. Still, I’d been wining and dining this girl for some time now. She wanted to take things slow as she had just gotten out of a long term relationship. That’s cool, I can understand that. I’m sensitive and compassionate like that, yo. However, I think she was impressed by my awesome cooking skills. I can make a serious fettuccini. Plus, I hadn’t even cooked my specialty yet, Soyaki Pork Chops with a yakisoba side.

“What’s up,” I asked, my voice two forced octaves lower.

“Hey! Is it cool if I still if I come over?” she asked.

“Yeah…you should totally CUM over,” I answered smoothly.

“What was that? Why do you sound so weird? Are you sick?”

“Oh, uh” I responded clearing my throat, “no…nothing….anyway you should totally swing by,”

“Cool, I just need to swing by the store to pick up some…safety items,” she giggled.

PROTECTION!?! Yes! I am TOTALLY getting laid tonight. We got off the phone and I prepared my room for its inevitable transformation into The Love Cove. Old boxers thrown in the closet? Check. Porn mags pushed far enough under the bed to not be noticed? Check. Dumbbells pseudo-haphazardly left in a prominent position in the room? Check. Okay. Ready, go!

She arrives. I let her in. Making out begins. There is groping. There is moaning. There is a Wal-Greens bag on my nightstand she has brought over. As things reach the point of no return, she reaches into the bag and pulls out a small box.

“Here put this on,” she demands.

I fumble around like Helen Keller before finally giving in and turning on a light.

Whoa! “What is this?” I question.

“What do you mean?” she inquires back.

“These are Magnums,” I exasperate.

“Oh! Is this one of your “anti-consumer” things? Do you not use them because they’re not made in America or something?”

“Uh…..no, that’s not generally why I don’t use them…”

“Well, I’m sorry,” she apologized “I’m not used to buying condoms, I don’t know much about them. I just bought the ones my EX used to always buy, so I trust the brand” she explained.

“Oh? These are the kind your ex used, huh? That’s cool…” I diverted, “uh, I’m kinda hungry…how do Pork Chops sound about now?”

Today, My Word Is Love

love:

A feeling of unconditional affection towards someone, compounded by a feeling of deep euphoria when thinking about them.

To love someone is to trust them with your heart, because you know that they won't break it. To look into their eyes and become lost in their inexplicable beauty. To want for them to be the best person they can be, and for you to be the best you can be to match them. To strive for their happiness, above all other material needs.

Love is the greatest feeling in the world. To love, and be loved, makes all else feel unimportant. All your troubles, your worries, your cares, simply melt away.

When you find that person, the one who completes you, the world suddenly makes sense. Every little injury hurts a little less. Every sunrise seems just that much more beautiful. Every moment, your loved one occupies your thoughts; you are never truly apart.

Love knows no jealousy. No anger, held longer than applicable. No quota of wrongdoing. Love abolishes all these.

Love is not lust. They should never be held together. Lust is the desire to be linked to one's body; love is the desire to be linked to one's soul.

Sometimes, love can hurt. Sometimes, it can damage, and break, until you say I shall not love again. But love can also mend, and soothe. It can repair what once was broken, and it can bandage and prop up what has been hurt.

In the end, love cannot be described. It cannot be held up, and examined, and quantified, and studied. Love has no peer. No equal. No synonym, no foil. Love is simply... love.

Happy Valentines Day.

JanuBerry With Jana Banana...What I Learned

January is coming to a close and I realize I've posted a ridiculous amount of blogs this month. I don't think I can go on like this forever. You'll wind up reading about something totally boring like my favorite candy, um wait a second....

I learned that blogging is all about content and to write about what you know about. Sadly for Jana Nye that consists of smoking cessation, drinking too much and other random nonsense. I stopped worrying about traffic and comments and found out I have a lot more readers than I thought. So if you are here, reading this please drop me a comment and let me know if there are any posts you liked in particular or any you didn't. Is anyone reading this??? Hello?? Fuck my life.

Life Sans Cigarettes

What is your quality of life if you have to say no to gummy bears? I love gummy bears!! But I can't eat them because I'm trying not to gain weight. I'm trying not to gain weight because I quit smoking. Its been a crazy 20 days of no cigarettes for me. I'm sad to report that I spent the first two weeks of non smoking distracting myself with food to avoid smoking. I ate pizza, wings, tacos, more pizza and lots and lots of candy. I was using the 'by any means necessary' method. Um yeah, I've gained weight. It wasn't until I hopped on the scale and was a few pounds above my 'scary weight'that I realized how out of control this has gotten. My pants dance, the hopping around I do every morning when trying to get my jeans on is really becoming dangerous. Sometimes I just want to take up smoking again.

There is a part of me (that is somewhat irrational) that believes that I should be allowed to have my cake and eat it too. I want to thoroughly use up my body before I die. I want to smoke, drink and eat gummy bears and dance around while doing it. I wish I had the same self discipline I do for quitting smoking when it came to weight loss and dieting. I really find eating salads for dinner night after night depressing and dreadful. And its especially hard to not eat like shit when The Chapstick Lez is eating strawberry shortcake, five peanut butter sandwiches (hold the jelly), sugar cookies and popcorn for lunch. She keeps asking me if I want some and I want to punch her becuase I'm over here eating carrots.

Sometimes, I have a lot of respect for anorexics. They have so much determination.

Jana + 3 Cosmopolitans = Sloppy Abusive Jackass

I decided last night at three a.m. drunk and sobbing for no apparent reason that maybe martinis aren't all the fun I thought they were. A few weeks ago I went out and had one martini, and had a blast with my cousin. I was convinced it was the path to a good time and the best way to jump start your night. I should have left the martinis in the past.

I'm not clear what went wrong. Actually I think it was a combination of my hormone levels mixed with all the alcohol. I verbally assaulted someone I have respect for. I told my boyfriend to fuck off. I'm not sure if I did these things before or after I was fist pumping on the dance floor with Michelle. I even turned down a copy of the new Sherlock Holmes stating "I heard that movie sucks". That's not even true...everyone I talked to said its really good.

After going through the 85 or so photos on my camera I was able to piece the night together, kind of. I don't think I totally blacked out but that depends on what your definition of blacking out is. I had no recollection of some conversations I had until the person reminded me after sobering up. Then I kind of recalled...Does this mean I blacked out?? Is there a black out curve? Does ones definition of blacking out change based on how much they themselves want to black out? Do people strive to do this? Wtf?

I reached new heights of embarrassment when I had to call those I offended to make amends. There is no room for pride in these phone calls. People generally understand but that doesn't take back that below the belt comment and I'm sure they will forever maintain that I think, they think, they are better than everyone. *head desk*

In the photo shown at the top of the post I look really serious and pissed off. I was intoxicated and really concentrating on not spilling my drink. WHY DO THEY SERVE MARTINIS IN THESE GLASSES? The bartender wised up and served me my last drink in a red wine glass to reduce spillage. Bless his heart. When it was time to close my tab I was reduced to using my fingers to do the math for the tip. I'm still not sure if I counted right.

LoLz at getting wasted and making an ass of yourself. Next time I'll have a glass of water between each drink ;) Chow.

Tomorrow, For Real

I’ve been in the pre-diet stage for a few months now, it’s pretty tiring. A pre-diet is when you’re constantly declaring to your friends or significant other that you’re “starting a diet tomorrow, for real” right before tearing into a large pile of wings or pizza. Oh man, I’m so there. I’m trying to ignore it by blaming it on the season, and anytime I feel truly shitty I just make puppy-eyes at my boyfriend and ask him if he loves me, but I can’t go on like this forever. Pretty soon my ass will form its own zip code!

Blog Makeover

As you can see there have been some changes to my blog. I added some new features. I'd really like to know what people think. Please feel free to leave a commment and let me know what you think. Do you like the color? The simplicity? The labels? What should I change? Does anyone care? I'm thinking of having a guest blogger....Stay tuned for more stunning new developments.

Go Jana!

Its been ten days! Go me! I'm wondering if it is possible for time to move any slower. I have learned that quitting smoking is all about the psychological addiction for me not so much the physical dependence on nicotine. I am currently mourning the loss of cigarettes. I am somewhere between depression and bargaining in the grieving process. Please don't make fun of me. Cigarettes and I have been in a relationship for a long time. They were always there for me during stressful times, breakups, fights, drunken nights, and somehow during impoverished times in Las Vegas. I caught myself bargaining on Saturday night while drinking with friends. I almost convinced myself that it is OK to smoke when I drink. But luckily I was able to recognize that it was me bargaining and denied myself yet another cigarette. I really want to be a non smoker. I really hope I am able to stop for good. Heres hoping.

Nuff Said

I like Jay Leno but.....

Little House Big Woods

I can't remember exactly what started my obsession with Little House On The Prairie. Was it the chicken or the egg? The show or the books? I think it was the books that I got hooked on in the second grade and later the TV show. It was also my favorite game to play. I'd pretend to live in the olden days and use my imagination to ride in the wagon with Ma and Pa and Mary and live in a cabin. But looking back it probably would have sucked to live in the cabin, which was really a house made of sod and had a dirt floor.

I liked Laura naturally because she was always getting into trouble...like me. Mary was a brat who was obsessed with being right but she wound up going blind so you can't really hate on her. I don't remember much about the littlest one. I absolutely HATED Nellie Olson she was such a bitch with her weird curls in her hair. I thought she looked like a little boy wearing a wig. She was such a manipulator and a general rival of the Ingalls clan so I couldn't stand her. This is a classic photo of her at right. She probably just stole the girls shoes while they were down and the swimmin' hole and threw them in the garbage behind the pharmacy her parents owned. Like I said...bitch.

I remember once I was home from school sick and watched an episode that was 'to be continued'. I think Laura got kidnapped and it was so suspenseful that I had to fake sick the next day just so I could watch what happened. When the dreaded 'to be continued...' appeared on the screen I immediately started plotting my continued 'illness'. I stayed in bed all night and my mom never even tried to wake me up the next day. She just let me sleep in. I popped myself some popcorn fifteen minutes before showtime, got a blanket and plopped down on the couch for the final episode. It.was.awesome.

I think Nellie went on to become a stand up comic which makes me feel a little bit better about her. Laura went on to star in a number of Lifetime movies. I have no idea what ever became of Ma or Mary. I think Pa passed away. I loved how he called Laura Half Pint and he was kinda hot when the show aired...weirdzies. So yeah there was nothing cooler than Little House in the second grade. I even had a prairie girl outfit I acquired when I played a pioneer in a school play. I wore it while I read the books. *headdesk*

More On Smoking Cessation

Remember the movie Casper starring Christina Ricci as Kat and Bill Pullan as Dr. James Harvey? Yes, yes of course you do. Well Dr. James Harvey makes an excellent point in that movie about the dead needing closure or else they cannot crossover to the other side because they have unfinished business. Or something like that.

Last night while standing at the bar tapping my fingers, twitching my foot and feening for a cigarette, I had an epiphany. I thought of Casper and realized that my cigarettes and I have unfinished business. You see I quit smoking when I got a tip from the universe telling me to stop *grin*. So that last cigarette I smoked sometime between 5pm and 7pm on 01/04/2010 was my last, I never got to say goodbye.

Now the evil cigarettes are pissed of that I ditched them and are haunting me. I don't really think my ghost is friendly like Casper though. I feel like it is something more sinister like that of the shit-your-pants-with-fear demon in Paranormal Activity. And you know that shit didn't end well.

What to do? Hire and exorcist? Confront my ghost? Sick Charlie on it? Smoke a cigarette and have a proper goodbye. This is so confusing.

Pillow Talk

Cigarette: Hi Jana
Jana: Hi cigarette
Cigarette: I haven't seen you in a while.
Jana: I know I'm trying to quit.
Cigarette: I miss you Jana. Don't you miss me??
Jana: Yes cigarette, I miss you very, very much.
Cigarette: I miss our mornings ♥.
Jana: Me too. I don't know what to do after I sip my coffee.
Cigarette: I've been hanging out in stores and gas stations waiting for you.
Jana:I know cigarette. I've been avoiding you because you will eventually kill me.
Cigarette: Thats what they want you to think Jana.
Jana: What do you mean?
Cigarette: Think of how relaxed you feel when your lips are wrapped around me. You can always count on me and I'm reliable.
Jana: Now, now cigarette I don't appreciate your rouse.
Cigarette: My what?
Jana: Your rouse. Your cunning attempt to trick me.
Cigarette: Whatever bitch! I saw those Nicotine Lozenges weeks ago! You cheated!
Jana: Its really whats best cigarette please try to understand.
Cigarette: I'm not good enough right? I'm not worth the money right!?
Jana: Its me, not you.
Cigarette: Fuck you, I hope I blacken your lungs and stunk up your home and car with my ashtray like scents.
Jana: You did cigarette, but I forgive you.
Cigarette: I'm going to KILL YOU!
Jana: I know that's why I'm flushing you down this abyss. It won't hurt cigarette. *flush*
The End

Last Nights Photos, Regrets and French Fries

There is nothing more thrilling than when you are out with someone super fun (ahem, Michelle) and you have a camera, drinks and some fucking awesome music. You start to snap some photos. You may be on the dance floor of a club or at your corner bar when this happens. You may even by in the bathroom of a corner bar (ahem Hannons). You are thinking, these photos are gonna be on the Internet tomorrow and they're going to be awesome. I'm totally making one of these my default picture on Facebook/Myspace/Twitter.

Good Morning! Rise and shine! You are lying on the bathroom floor, your panties are in your hair and you want water, french fires and a cigarette, NOW but not in that order. You walk sluggishly to your computer and type go to whatever social network you see fit to see the damage. And there you are, you drunk mess you. Looking HOT and SEXY like every drink you are holding is your first. You breathe a sigh of relief and run in to the bathroom to puke. You'll update everything tomorrow. I love my fucking friends.

a world of pain dude

My dear circle of readers,

I think there are three of us now! ( me included). So we can kind of form a circle right?? Right guys?? Hello? Are you there??

Anyways, I recently made the decision to quit smoking. I have no idea how this is going to go or if I will even be successful. For a long time I was in denial about the harm that smoking was causing me and now that I'm 25 I'm starting to notice wheezing and coughing so its time to nip it in the bud. My two favorite cousins have recently quit for more than thirty days so that is encouraging.

My original quit date was February 15th 2010. But I quit suddenly last night when I when I had a moment of clarity and was convinced that the universe does not want me to smoke anymore. I have my reasons to quit, I have my plan to quit, and more importantly I have my nicotine replacement therapy now all I need is the will to actually do it. Fml.

So far I have discovered that removing all lighters and ashtrays is imperative. Today on my way to work it seemed like suddenly all the lighters I own were sitting somewhere in sight in my car. When I see a lighter...it reminds me of a cigarette, which reminds me that I'm not smoking at the moment, which makes me want to, which reminds me that I'm quitting followed by panic and irrational behavior.

I am also discovering that I'm really antsy when I'm not smoking. I find it hard to focus on a movie or my boyfriend and am constantly eating candy. I tried watching 500 Days of Summer last night, which is a movie that I've wanted to see for months. I was on the couch, then I moved to the chair, then I got up to get something to drink, then I checked my Facebook, then my email then back to the couch...you get the idea. I have sudden onset ADD.

I'm sure I will be discovering many more annoying side effects of my new non nicotine life. I feel bad for my co workers and but mostly for Jake. He will be the one stuck living with me and my crazy and bizarre mood swings. Poor guy. Another big, big, big challenge will be drinking. Drinking and smoking is like peas and carrots for me. I think I'll steer clear of the pubs for a while. Anyways who knows how this will go... You know how in AA they say to take it one day at a time. Well I'm taking it one hour at a time and am constantly referring to my list of reasons to quit to get me through. I hope this works. But I have no doubts I am well aware that I am entering a world of pain.

The Trailblazer

Alice S. Rossi died at the age of 87 on Tuesday. The OG feminist scholar, sociologist and founder of NOW- thats huge!

She also is the author an influential article that I once stumbled across "Equality Between the Sexes: An Immodest Proposal.” Which at the time made me afraid to become a mother fearing that it would be all I would identify with.

May she rest in peace.

Thats all.

Purple Rain

This is me getting wiggy wit it on Halloween. I was a cross between and 80's groupie and an MTV VJ. I loved my wig and so did some really creepy guys who just stared at me and said...'you look sweet as f*ck, walk behind this building with me'.

I wish I had the balls to do this...for real. I mean cut and dye my hair...not walk behind the building with the creeper.