Go Jana!

Its been ten days! Go me! I'm wondering if it is possible for time to move any slower. I have learned that quitting smoking is all about the psychological addiction for me not so much the physical dependence on nicotine. I am currently mourning the loss of cigarettes. I am somewhere between depression and bargaining in the grieving process. Please don't make fun of me. Cigarettes and I have been in a relationship for a long time. They were always there for me during stressful times, breakups, fights, drunken nights, and somehow during impoverished times in Las Vegas. I caught myself bargaining on Saturday night while drinking with friends. I almost convinced myself that it is OK to smoke when I drink. But luckily I was able to recognize that it was me bargaining and denied myself yet another cigarette. I really want to be a non smoker. I really hope I am able to stop for good. Heres hoping.

Nuff Said

I like Jay Leno but.....

Little House Big Woods

I can't remember exactly what started my obsession with Little House On The Prairie. Was it the chicken or the egg? The show or the books? I think it was the books that I got hooked on in the second grade and later the TV show. It was also my favorite game to play. I'd pretend to live in the olden days and use my imagination to ride in the wagon with Ma and Pa and Mary and live in a cabin. But looking back it probably would have sucked to live in the cabin, which was really a house made of sod and had a dirt floor.

I liked Laura naturally because she was always getting into trouble...like me. Mary was a brat who was obsessed with being right but she wound up going blind so you can't really hate on her. I don't remember much about the littlest one. I absolutely HATED Nellie Olson she was such a bitch with her weird curls in her hair. I thought she looked like a little boy wearing a wig. She was such a manipulator and a general rival of the Ingalls clan so I couldn't stand her. This is a classic photo of her at right. She probably just stole the girls shoes while they were down and the swimmin' hole and threw them in the garbage behind the pharmacy her parents owned. Like I said...bitch.

I remember once I was home from school sick and watched an episode that was 'to be continued'. I think Laura got kidnapped and it was so suspenseful that I had to fake sick the next day just so I could watch what happened. When the dreaded 'to be continued...' appeared on the screen I immediately started plotting my continued 'illness'. I stayed in bed all night and my mom never even tried to wake me up the next day. She just let me sleep in. I popped myself some popcorn fifteen minutes before showtime, got a blanket and plopped down on the couch for the final episode. It.was.awesome.

I think Nellie went on to become a stand up comic which makes me feel a little bit better about her. Laura went on to star in a number of Lifetime movies. I have no idea what ever became of Ma or Mary. I think Pa passed away. I loved how he called Laura Half Pint and he was kinda hot when the show aired...weirdzies. So yeah there was nothing cooler than Little House in the second grade. I even had a prairie girl outfit I acquired when I played a pioneer in a school play. I wore it while I read the books. *headdesk*

More On Smoking Cessation

Remember the movie Casper starring Christina Ricci as Kat and Bill Pullan as Dr. James Harvey? Yes, yes of course you do. Well Dr. James Harvey makes an excellent point in that movie about the dead needing closure or else they cannot crossover to the other side because they have unfinished business. Or something like that.

Last night while standing at the bar tapping my fingers, twitching my foot and feening for a cigarette, I had an epiphany. I thought of Casper and realized that my cigarettes and I have unfinished business. You see I quit smoking when I got a tip from the universe telling me to stop *grin*. So that last cigarette I smoked sometime between 5pm and 7pm on 01/04/2010 was my last, I never got to say goodbye.

Now the evil cigarettes are pissed of that I ditched them and are haunting me. I don't really think my ghost is friendly like Casper though. I feel like it is something more sinister like that of the shit-your-pants-with-fear demon in Paranormal Activity. And you know that shit didn't end well.

What to do? Hire and exorcist? Confront my ghost? Sick Charlie on it? Smoke a cigarette and have a proper goodbye. This is so confusing.

Pillow Talk

Cigarette: Hi Jana
Jana: Hi cigarette
Cigarette: I haven't seen you in a while.
Jana: I know I'm trying to quit.
Cigarette: I miss you Jana. Don't you miss me??
Jana: Yes cigarette, I miss you very, very much.
Cigarette: I miss our mornings ♥.
Jana: Me too. I don't know what to do after I sip my coffee.
Cigarette: I've been hanging out in stores and gas stations waiting for you.
Jana:I know cigarette. I've been avoiding you because you will eventually kill me.
Cigarette: Thats what they want you to think Jana.
Jana: What do you mean?
Cigarette: Think of how relaxed you feel when your lips are wrapped around me. You can always count on me and I'm reliable.
Jana: Now, now cigarette I don't appreciate your rouse.
Cigarette: My what?
Jana: Your rouse. Your cunning attempt to trick me.
Cigarette: Whatever bitch! I saw those Nicotine Lozenges weeks ago! You cheated!
Jana: Its really whats best cigarette please try to understand.
Cigarette: I'm not good enough right? I'm not worth the money right!?
Jana: Its me, not you.
Cigarette: Fuck you, I hope I blacken your lungs and stunk up your home and car with my ashtray like scents.
Jana: You did cigarette, but I forgive you.
Cigarette: I'm going to KILL YOU!
Jana: I know that's why I'm flushing you down this abyss. It won't hurt cigarette. *flush*
The End

Last Nights Photos, Regrets and French Fries

There is nothing more thrilling than when you are out with someone super fun (ahem, Michelle) and you have a camera, drinks and some fucking awesome music. You start to snap some photos. You may be on the dance floor of a club or at your corner bar when this happens. You may even by in the bathroom of a corner bar (ahem Hannons). You are thinking, these photos are gonna be on the Internet tomorrow and they're going to be awesome. I'm totally making one of these my default picture on Facebook/Myspace/Twitter.

Good Morning! Rise and shine! You are lying on the bathroom floor, your panties are in your hair and you want water, french fires and a cigarette, NOW but not in that order. You walk sluggishly to your computer and type go to whatever social network you see fit to see the damage. And there you are, you drunk mess you. Looking HOT and SEXY like every drink you are holding is your first. You breathe a sigh of relief and run in to the bathroom to puke. You'll update everything tomorrow. I love my fucking friends.

a world of pain dude

My dear circle of readers,

I think there are three of us now! ( me included). So we can kind of form a circle right?? Right guys?? Hello? Are you there??

Anyways, I recently made the decision to quit smoking. I have no idea how this is going to go or if I will even be successful. For a long time I was in denial about the harm that smoking was causing me and now that I'm 25 I'm starting to notice wheezing and coughing so its time to nip it in the bud. My two favorite cousins have recently quit for more than thirty days so that is encouraging.

My original quit date was February 15th 2010. But I quit suddenly last night when I when I had a moment of clarity and was convinced that the universe does not want me to smoke anymore. I have my reasons to quit, I have my plan to quit, and more importantly I have my nicotine replacement therapy now all I need is the will to actually do it. Fml.

So far I have discovered that removing all lighters and ashtrays is imperative. Today on my way to work it seemed like suddenly all the lighters I own were sitting somewhere in sight in my car. When I see a lighter...it reminds me of a cigarette, which reminds me that I'm not smoking at the moment, which makes me want to, which reminds me that I'm quitting followed by panic and irrational behavior.

I am also discovering that I'm really antsy when I'm not smoking. I find it hard to focus on a movie or my boyfriend and am constantly eating candy. I tried watching 500 Days of Summer last night, which is a movie that I've wanted to see for months. I was on the couch, then I moved to the chair, then I got up to get something to drink, then I checked my Facebook, then my email then back to the couch...you get the idea. I have sudden onset ADD.

I'm sure I will be discovering many more annoying side effects of my new non nicotine life. I feel bad for my co workers and but mostly for Jake. He will be the one stuck living with me and my crazy and bizarre mood swings. Poor guy. Another big, big, big challenge will be drinking. Drinking and smoking is like peas and carrots for me. I think I'll steer clear of the pubs for a while. Anyways who knows how this will go... You know how in AA they say to take it one day at a time. Well I'm taking it one hour at a time and am constantly referring to my list of reasons to quit to get me through. I hope this works. But I have no doubts I am well aware that I am entering a world of pain.