Guest Blogger: Crasskins! Go Ahead, Make My Day

Tonight’s the night. Tonight’s the night. Tonight’s the NIGHT!!! After weeks invested, I’m pretty sure I’m getting laid tonight. She’s the kind of girl that was so hot, I’d never thought she’d like a geek like me. Still, I’d been wining and dining this girl for some time now. She wanted to take things slow as she had just gotten out of a long term relationship. That’s cool, I can understand that. I’m sensitive and compassionate like that, yo. However, I think she was impressed by my awesome cooking skills. I can make a serious fettuccini. Plus, I hadn’t even cooked my specialty yet, Soyaki Pork Chops with a yakisoba side.

“What’s up,” I asked, my voice two forced octaves lower.

“Hey! Is it cool if I still if I come over?” she asked.

“Yeah…you should totally CUM over,” I answered smoothly.

“What was that? Why do you sound so weird? Are you sick?”

“Oh, uh” I responded clearing my throat, “no…nothing….anyway you should totally swing by,”

“Cool, I just need to swing by the store to pick up some…safety items,” she giggled.

PROTECTION!?! Yes! I am TOTALLY getting laid tonight. We got off the phone and I prepared my room for its inevitable transformation into The Love Cove. Old boxers thrown in the closet? Check. Porn mags pushed far enough under the bed to not be noticed? Check. Dumbbells pseudo-haphazardly left in a prominent position in the room? Check. Okay. Ready, go!

She arrives. I let her in. Making out begins. There is groping. There is moaning. There is a Wal-Greens bag on my nightstand she has brought over. As things reach the point of no return, she reaches into the bag and pulls out a small box.

“Here put this on,” she demands.

I fumble around like Helen Keller before finally giving in and turning on a light.

Whoa! “What is this?” I question.

“What do you mean?” she inquires back.

“These are Magnums,” I exasperate.

“Oh! Is this one of your “anti-consumer” things? Do you not use them because they’re not made in America or something?”

“Uh…..no, that’s not generally why I don’t use them…”

“Well, I’m sorry,” she apologized “I’m not used to buying condoms, I don’t know much about them. I just bought the ones my EX used to always buy, so I trust the brand” she explained.

“Oh? These are the kind your ex used, huh? That’s cool…” I diverted, “uh, I’m kinda hungry…how do Pork Chops sound about now?”

Today, My Word Is Love

love:

A feeling of unconditional affection towards someone, compounded by a feeling of deep euphoria when thinking about them.

To love someone is to trust them with your heart, because you know that they won't break it. To look into their eyes and become lost in their inexplicable beauty. To want for them to be the best person they can be, and for you to be the best you can be to match them. To strive for their happiness, above all other material needs.

Love is the greatest feeling in the world. To love, and be loved, makes all else feel unimportant. All your troubles, your worries, your cares, simply melt away.

When you find that person, the one who completes you, the world suddenly makes sense. Every little injury hurts a little less. Every sunrise seems just that much more beautiful. Every moment, your loved one occupies your thoughts; you are never truly apart.

Love knows no jealousy. No anger, held longer than applicable. No quota of wrongdoing. Love abolishes all these.

Love is not lust. They should never be held together. Lust is the desire to be linked to one's body; love is the desire to be linked to one's soul.

Sometimes, love can hurt. Sometimes, it can damage, and break, until you say I shall not love again. But love can also mend, and soothe. It can repair what once was broken, and it can bandage and prop up what has been hurt.

In the end, love cannot be described. It cannot be held up, and examined, and quantified, and studied. Love has no peer. No equal. No synonym, no foil. Love is simply... love.

Happy Valentines Day.

JanuBerry With Jana Banana...What I Learned

January is coming to a close and I realize I've posted a ridiculous amount of blogs this month. I don't think I can go on like this forever. You'll wind up reading about something totally boring like my favorite candy, um wait a second....

I learned that blogging is all about content and to write about what you know about. Sadly for Jana Nye that consists of smoking cessation, drinking too much and other random nonsense. I stopped worrying about traffic and comments and found out I have a lot more readers than I thought. So if you are here, reading this please drop me a comment and let me know if there are any posts you liked in particular or any you didn't. Is anyone reading this??? Hello?? Fuck my life.

Life Sans Cigarettes

What is your quality of life if you have to say no to gummy bears? I love gummy bears!! But I can't eat them because I'm trying not to gain weight. I'm trying not to gain weight because I quit smoking. Its been a crazy 20 days of no cigarettes for me. I'm sad to report that I spent the first two weeks of non smoking distracting myself with food to avoid smoking. I ate pizza, wings, tacos, more pizza and lots and lots of candy. I was using the 'by any means necessary' method. Um yeah, I've gained weight. It wasn't until I hopped on the scale and was a few pounds above my 'scary weight'that I realized how out of control this has gotten. My pants dance, the hopping around I do every morning when trying to get my jeans on is really becoming dangerous. Sometimes I just want to take up smoking again.

There is a part of me (that is somewhat irrational) that believes that I should be allowed to have my cake and eat it too. I want to thoroughly use up my body before I die. I want to smoke, drink and eat gummy bears and dance around while doing it. I wish I had the same self discipline I do for quitting smoking when it came to weight loss and dieting. I really find eating salads for dinner night after night depressing and dreadful. And its especially hard to not eat like shit when The Chapstick Lez is eating strawberry shortcake, five peanut butter sandwiches (hold the jelly), sugar cookies and popcorn for lunch. She keeps asking me if I want some and I want to punch her becuase I'm over here eating carrots.

Sometimes, I have a lot of respect for anorexics. They have so much determination.

Jana + 3 Cosmopolitans = Sloppy Abusive Jackass

I decided last night at three a.m. drunk and sobbing for no apparent reason that maybe martinis aren't all the fun I thought they were. A few weeks ago I went out and had one martini, and had a blast with my cousin. I was convinced it was the path to a good time and the best way to jump start your night. I should have left the martinis in the past.

I'm not clear what went wrong. Actually I think it was a combination of my hormone levels mixed with all the alcohol. I verbally assaulted someone I have respect for. I told my boyfriend to fuck off. I'm not sure if I did these things before or after I was fist pumping on the dance floor with Michelle. I even turned down a copy of the new Sherlock Holmes stating "I heard that movie sucks". That's not even true...everyone I talked to said its really good.

After going through the 85 or so photos on my camera I was able to piece the night together, kind of. I don't think I totally blacked out but that depends on what your definition of blacking out is. I had no recollection of some conversations I had until the person reminded me after sobering up. Then I kind of recalled...Does this mean I blacked out?? Is there a black out curve? Does ones definition of blacking out change based on how much they themselves want to black out? Do people strive to do this? Wtf?

I reached new heights of embarrassment when I had to call those I offended to make amends. There is no room for pride in these phone calls. People generally understand but that doesn't take back that below the belt comment and I'm sure they will forever maintain that I think, they think, they are better than everyone. *head desk*

In the photo shown at the top of the post I look really serious and pissed off. I was intoxicated and really concentrating on not spilling my drink. WHY DO THEY SERVE MARTINIS IN THESE GLASSES? The bartender wised up and served me my last drink in a red wine glass to reduce spillage. Bless his heart. When it was time to close my tab I was reduced to using my fingers to do the math for the tip. I'm still not sure if I counted right.

LoLz at getting wasted and making an ass of yourself. Next time I'll have a glass of water between each drink ;) Chow.

Tomorrow, For Real

I’ve been in the pre-diet stage for a few months now, it’s pretty tiring. A pre-diet is when you’re constantly declaring to your friends or significant other that you’re “starting a diet tomorrow, for real” right before tearing into a large pile of wings or pizza. Oh man, I’m so there. I’m trying to ignore it by blaming it on the season, and anytime I feel truly shitty I just make puppy-eyes at my boyfriend and ask him if he loves me, but I can’t go on like this forever. Pretty soon my ass will form its own zip code!

Blog Makeover

As you can see there have been some changes to my blog. I added some new features. I'd really like to know what people think. Please feel free to leave a commment and let me know what you think. Do you like the color? The simplicity? The labels? What should I change? Does anyone care? I'm thinking of having a guest blogger....Stay tuned for more stunning new developments.